| random bits of thought |
[07 Jun 2009|10:06pm] |
i played in the park for 3 hours today with katie. i made:
$4
3 slices of pizza
2 cupcakes
some 2 year old friends
i live in brooklyn now. every day, i play in the parks, to make money for food and anything else i might need. the house i'm in is wonderful, filled with musicians from all over the world, including two members of my band. there's a piano here. in the mornings, i sit on the stoop and play guitar as people walk by. either that, or the fire escape outside my window. my neighborhood is called Park Slope, and it's filled with youth and new families. people are everywhere. things feel like they're moving.
the same day i arrived here, the relatives recorded vocals in the 16th street church until 3 am, and then the next day we had a meeting with a friend, to discuss booking shows for the summer. we're only allowing ourselves to play the most interesting and genuine venues. we played in the park yesterday for 2 hours, and made $50. i like playing in the parks.
everything else in my life is up in the air right now. thinking a lot...writing a lot...trying to be a more productive artist. i miss lecia, a lot. i'm not sleeping much. i am very poor, but am scraping by. i am somewhat content with things. it's hard not to be, when there's so much going on in this city.
i know that i've been avoiding the tedious process of a real, meaningful update on life lately...and i will get around to it soon, i promise. there is a lot to be said. a big fat lot.
but that's for later.
for now, i've just gotten home after a long day of music, and my fingers hurt a lot. i am going to sit around and be lazy. but only so much. there are things to be done.
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[27 May 2009|01:43am] |
the early weeks of summer.
yes. i remember this feeling. it rides in with the breeze, and it comes easy, like it never disappeared. summer, here again, familiar as an old friend. a second year of college, sealed off and drifting away from me. i'm more than glad to come down from the past few months with some of this humid Virginia air. greenery. my hills. how scattered i have become recently...with some solid ground, some space to breathe, things can fall into place. currently i feel somewhat aware, even strong, but am filled with questions. where do i stand? what lies ahead? the coming months are heavy, i can tell.
for now, though, it's calm here at home. calm enough. i've been doing almost nothing but working for josh, and (trying to) work on music in my free time. on the plus side, i'm having a lot of fun using my camera, and my rent for the stay in Brooklyn is almost taken care of. creativity is up, and i can really sense some evolution in the ways i am expressing myself. on the down side, though, i am wishing i had a bit more time to relax before these next few days. things are, inevitably, about to get shaken up once again. but it's not like that hasn't been happening pretty consistently for a while now.
katie and ian say i have a habit of disappearing from time to time, dropping out of contact and becoming quite distant from them towards the end of a semester. i think they're right. i've been avoiding almost all forms of communication, without any real purpose at all, except that i like how it feels. i'd be lying if i said a big part of me doesn't enjoy it when i earn their worrisome "M.I.A." status. it's fun to feel far away. as for this happening every semester, i've noticed it, too, and have even embraced it a bit. it's just that...at times like these, it seems hard to want to stay within reach of anyone, at all. i can't argue with the seasons...the air is warm, and summer calls me. now is the time to move around, to be a bird. to act quickly. the time i spend in new york is extremely stressful, social, and busy, and i handle it well for someone who is normally none of those things. here, now, this is my time. i'll be joining the noise again soon enough; silence.
circumstance has allowed for a few Kerouac-ian days to land in my lap. on friday, i'll fly down from Richmond to Tampa, courtesy of ryan's mother, who has asked for someone to help move him up to virginia. the two of us will have one night together in florida (spent reminiscing, laughing, and talking about music, i'm sure) before waking at sunrise the following morning to beginning the 15 hour drive north. how time has danced since we made the initial trip down to florida together, to move him in with his mother and her new home. now, almost exactly one year later, we are reversing our steps, but in the same spirit as before. i am beyond excited to see my old friend again, to note the changes in our small existences here on earth, and to feel like a traveling soul once more. with this trip, we celebrate the old, the new, and everything in between. except this time, no pills (...)
ryan and i will make our way along the coast, veering east as soon as we touch Virginia, and eventually come to rest in a house by the Rappahannock River, owned by my friend will's mother. the place, nudged cozily into a gentle hillside that sinks into the water (where there is then a large dock, and boats, and space beneath the saggy Virginia clouds) means a lot to me, and to all of us friends. there's no house like the river house. having been there what feels like dozens of times over the years since middle school, i have too many memories to recollect. it's a home beyond the regularity of central Virginia, a place that started as a simple childhood getaway, but eventually evolved (in time with us) into a haven where we could rest from the growing strains of life, and could reconnect as a group of friends. in recent years, the river house has proven to be a great party host, providing atmosphere for plenty of good people, beer, and drugs. it's one of the few places where i can endure large groups of people.
we've all adored it there for years...and now the house is being sold. life is changing. it always does...
so will, who turned 21 a few days ago, is doing what he does best and is throwing an extravaganza i can't begin to imagine. there's not much to be said at this point (i feel that afterwards, i can really give my thoughts on the experience)...but it sounds like it will be quite an event. tents and what not. lots of people. and after everyone leaves, only a few of us are sticking around, to soak in our remaining days with the river house.
i'm excited to witness the end, as sad as it might be. and to be on the road. on the road.
after pushing off from the river house, i will, somehow, find a ride to Brooklyn, where I am moving in with Katie and the drummer of our band, Ian Chang. on the 4th, we're recording vocals in the church on 16th street, which will be used in an upcoming music video we're shooting. NYU awarded the Relatives a grant of 550 dollars for a music video, which is nice. i got my grades back, and have been notified that I am officially allowed to go to Prague in the fall. this should be interesting. we're working on booking some shows in Europe...
the 2nd, and much-more-important half of this entry, will be coming in a few hours, after i make more progress with this video editing. until then.
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| 40 seconds in |
[27 May 2009|12:14am] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQB2691pofc&NR=1
Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Wheres that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar
On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And your face sketched on it twice
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink
a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet
Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time
Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
And still be on my feet
I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed
Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet
joni, why has time separated us?
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| positivity |
[26 May 2009|02:02pm] |
positivity.
positivity.
Positivity.
Positivity.
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[24 May 2009|01:52am] |
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and fuck you, too
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[24 May 2009|01:09am] |
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fuck expressing these thoughts
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[18 May 2009|10:09pm] |
this summer, i am a tornado.
A TORNADO and nothing else.
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| hurt. |
[09 May 2009|04:44am] |
life is:
wonderful
mysterious
odd
overwhelming
interesting
beautiful
& even still, a heartbreaking, painful letdown.
i biked home in the thundering rain.
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| it's sadness, wrapped in Bacon |
[29 Apr 2009|09:33pm] |
life is so cruel
yes?
but so, so beautiful
yes
it's connection.
it's energy transfer.
it's...love.
it's something familiar.
it's dancing.
it's singing.
it is art.
i will try to walk without fear.
i will try to live only for Now.
Now, my king. Now, my god.
Now is what we are. Only now.
Where is my time with you?
Where are our summer nights?
Where is that warm breeze on our skin?
Ahh. Here it is.
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[26 Apr 2009|12:08am] |
waited all day to eat
came home from work
finally made food
it fell on the floor
gobble gobble gobble dirty tasty quesadilla.
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| love |
[23 Apr 2009|03:08am] |
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a life in song
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[13 Apr 2009|12:58am] |
i am suspended in time, it seems. these most recent days of existence for me...have been nothing short of incredible. very suddenly, things are moving faster, even more so than before, and I also seem to have undergone a major shift in focus. or rather, i have lost any focus at all. showers have ended, for four days now; i definitely smell like a hobo, and i feel a bit like one, too. each day is a new jar, filled with gelatinous goop, in which i float, mindlessly, suspended in time. i am a prehistoric mosquito, trapped in the amber of her love.
to be here, now, dwelling on things that are almost too much to bear, is quite ridiculous, i will admit. who am i? i am just a boy. what do i know? nothing. but i can write about how i feel. feelings are not like knowledge...they are allowed to change, and they can still be right.
on thursday we met in the street at midnight. before i had even put on my socks, or gotten on the train, i could tell that this was it. it was like living in a film, except one that i had seen before. i was out of character, though: calm, unnervous, even strong. she was glowing, though. she was the star.
we sat on the steps by the street for hours. music was playing in my head as we kissed. her skin...her eyes...there are no words for these things right now. instruments scattered the ground at our feet. two lovers on a bench, twenty feet away. the wind was cold, but it couldn't drive us away. the night slipped through our fingers, even though they were clasped together, and after we said goodnight, i strolled carelessly to the subway platform at 5:00 am, and retired to my room...to my thoughts.
it was during this night that time ceased to exist for me. it must be. i have no trouble admitting that i've been in a daze, a complete daze, since then. i float through each day. things that used matter...it's hard to tell if they've gained or lost weight for me. i've hardly been eating...have dropped the idea of cleanliness for a time...and have been inspired in a way that hasn't touched me for years. my guitar has been playing itself. my mind doesn't seem to be present while writing...only my heart. as funny as it may sound, i feel like i am sixteen years old once again. i am young. i am still young.
in the days following our most recent adventure, it has been very, very difficult to think of other things. for once in my life, i'm making an attempt at not dwelling to eternity and back about things. so when katie and emily asked me to join them on a train trip up to Vassar college in poughkeepsie, i had no choice but to say yes. i needed to free myself from the city, from these thoughts.
emily lent me her shoulder on the train, which i eagerly slept against; the night before, i had woken suddenly at 4:00 am, my head spinning with memories. rather than going back to sleep, i spent the whole morning reading through old livejournal entries. as we sailed along the bank of the hudson river, i napped briefly, feeling like a child in the arms of someone loving. emily...i really need to explore, deeper, the connection i've always felt with her. she is a beautiful person, and a wonderful friend. not to mention, it is undeniable that she is fun to cuddle with.
hannah, katie's friend from home, was waiting for us when we arrived. you missed a great sunset, she said.
the night was so scattered, it was nearly insignificant. a boy named prankster offered us some terrible canadian whiskey, which we mixed with coffee and ginger ale. as our stomachs warmed, we moved from place to place, party to party, plan to plan. people were alive, out in numbers. poughkeepsie likes to have fun on saturdays.
at one point, we found ourselves alone in the chapel of a large church. the girls sat in the front pew, and i made my way to the piano, a scratchy old steinway with ivory keys. when my fingers struck the first few chords, i instantly realized how much i needed this. how necessary this was. i sank my head, resting it on the edge of the piano, hunched over and pounding the strings with my spirit, for nearly an hour. christmas songs, beatles tunes, personal compositions, they all emptied out into the air. emily and hannah were deep in conversation; katie and i sang every song we could remember, and even the ones we didn't. we fumbled our way through the second half of Abbey Road, and I felt a wave of adoration for paul mccartney. things must certainly be changing.
after ending up at a wild, gigantic, hula hoop-infested outdoor party, and after failing in attempts to make it to the keg through the crowd, we decided to leave. no way to blur some of this college party nonsense? let's get out of here, we said.
i typed a ridiculous poem on hannah's typewriter, and laid on the bed with emily while my weariness began to sink in. some boy wandered into the room and played his acoustic guitar. i normally play in a black metal band, he said. people began pulling knives on each other at our shows, so i'm sick of it, he said. his songs were so, so gorgeous. his finger picking was sloppy, and the guitar was quite out of tune...he clearly did not fully understand the beauty in what he was doing. i fell asleep to his music, and woke up to it, to. when he finally left, we were ready for bed. i burrowed into the sheets hannah had laid out on the floor for me, and was instantly unconscious.
the next day, we woke early, cleaned up, and ate a quick breakfast. one of hannah's friends, in the wake of an ecstasy trip from the night before, lent us her car, and we drove to the train station. saintly easter music was crackling through the car radio as we rolled through downtown poughkeepsie, and i was reminded of my childhood, once more. thanks for having us, hannah, we said. all aboard.
elliott smith's '2:45 A.M.' was ringing in my ears, especially since i had done a butchered rendition of it alongside the tracks, waiting for the train. katie and emily were kind enough to offer me the window seat, and i got lost in the amazing views passing me by. people aren't lying when they say new york is a beautiful state. i pulled out my journal and began to write, but woke up an hour later against katie's shoulder, with my journal and pen on the floor.
the train pulled into grand central station. we stumbled into the subway. you guys heading downtown? okay, well i'm going up to central park for a bit. i love you emily. i love you katie. thanks for inviting me. bye.
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[10 Apr 2009|06:08am] |
everything to say
and no way to say it
good night
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[08 Apr 2009|10:38pm] |
your eyes
great sea behind
may i swim?
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[06 Apr 2009|11:54pm] |
well i just can't wait any longer before putting SOMETHING serious in here.
besides, i left my notebook in brooklyn over the weekend, and i'm dying without it.
what to say? where to begin? things have been moving quickly for some time now...it's hard to know where anything in life will land anymore. people, people, people...what a drug, the human race and its conversations. i can't believe how young i feel lately.
i'm really making a stab at over-analyzing/thinking/pondering LESS...and just living MORE...i think...which is a stretch coming from me. i am such a thinker, and i love it. and it's not to say that i wasn't living before...but i feel that by turning my brain off a bit, i can just...get in tune with a few things, organically. reconnect with the animal inside. writing anything more about it would be contradictory (i've already crossed the line, probably)
'art' is coming along. the songwriting process is becoming (somewhat) more fluid for me, and i'm having a terrific time exploring new venues of expression. the visual realm! may i enter, please? writing....wow. i'm going to write a book. also, i've made a new friend, who, i could talk to for hours and hours and hours about all of these things. perhaps days. if only.
as for the band...what to even say. 'the relatives' is quite a machine by this point. many things are happening that seem to have a life of their own. this week we meet with a director from sundance who is going to create a music video for us, free of charge. incredible. shows now are quite frequent, they're stacking up, and even getting monotonous; a drastic change from life one year ago. i've also begun a new project, 'villages', and we have our debut show on the 18th. for the first time in my life, i've got an electric guitar on stage, and i'm with a group of people, improvising, and going a little crazy. it's total space rock, man!
also, i'm moving into a small room in brooklyn with katie, in the apartment of our drummer, for the summer. working on finding a job, in addition to the camp position i'll hold in july. music will fill the streets.
school is going well. trying hard. i feel a bit comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in a while. summer is speeding here. and now that it's actually happening, i just want more time with some of these amazing people. why do things always get interesting towards the end?
i've said nothing, and that's alright.
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| lord knows i need new blood, things to look forward to |
[04 Apr 2009|07:53pm] |
nothing gets me going like colors and rhythm, god damn! my head is a twisted music box today. i am thinking about seeing someone about this.
i wish there was more to say, but i am too overwhelmed by everything else in my life right now to even begin. until next time.
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[03 Apr 2009|10:28am] |
yes i'm lonely
wanna die
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[27 Mar 2009|11:57pm] |
hmmm.
i'm trying not to fall in love.
it's not working.
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